Marina Daif, RP (Qualifying) #11207 is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) at MyLife Counselling in Guelph. She works with couples and adults through relationships, anxiety, depression, addictions, grief & loss, self-esteem, self-criticism, and self-confidence issues. Learn more about Marina here.
Mastering the Art of Intentional Conversation
Having a conversation is about so much more than exchanging information with someone. Mastering the art of conversation involves practice and intention. We live in an era where digital communication often overshadows face-to-face interactions. This does not mean that face-to-face interactions have become any less important. Despite our impressive technological advancements, face-to-face communication remains the best way to foster deep connections and trust with others. In this article, we will discuss six essential skills that will help you improve your conversational skills so you can deepen your relationships and increase your social confidence.
1. Listen to understand, not to respond
Listening to someone speak is not simply about hearing the words they are saying and waiting for your turn to respond. It is important to practice active listening, which involves listening to understand the other person. Being an effective and charismatic conversationalist is about being attentive, focused, and present with others. Slowing down and reflecting on what the other person is saying enables you to respond more thoughtfully when it is your turn to speak. There is no need to rush this process or get anxious about what you want to say next. You might fear that, unless you blurt out a response right away, you will forget it. Consequently, this can lead to interruptions in your conversation, which damages its natural flow. Avoid interrupting others and practice being a patient listener. Instead of worrying about losing your thought, challenge yourself to just stay in the moment with what is being said to you. Ask follow-up questions if you are unsure how to further build on the conversation. Asking open-ended questions demonstrates to the other speaker you are interested and curious about what they have to say, which can go a long way in building a deeper connection with them.
2. Be mindful of your body language
Being intentional with your conversations also involves you being aware of how you present yourself. If you are trying to show someone you are interested or are wanting to form a deeper connection with them, it is important to maintain an open, relaxed posture and a healthy level of eye contact. Too little eye contact can give off the impression that you are disinterested while too much eye contact can be intimidating. If you have your arms crossed, this can indicate that you are closed off. If you are constantly looking at your phone during your conversation, this shows the other person you are distracted and would rather be doing something else. On the other hand, giving someone your undivided attention helps them feel like they are your priority in that moment. When people feel prioritized by you, it is much easier to earn their trust and interest. Below are examples of how you can maintain an open, engaged, and relaxed posture:
- Keep your arms relaxed and avoid crossing them over your chest.
- Lean slightly forward (this shows you are interested and engaged)
- Keep your palms open.
- Keep your shoulders relaxed.
- Keep your head high and forward.
- Mirror the other person’s body language (e.g., using your hands when the other person uses their hands or smiling when the other person smiles)
3. Recognize others’ non-verbal cues
Just as it is important to be mindful of your own body-language, it is equally important to stay attuned to others’ body language. Non-verbal cues can sometimes say more about how somebody feels than the words they utter. Pay attention to things like facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and posture. For example, somebody can say “I’m fine,” but they may be avoiding eye contact or crossing their arms tightly in discomfort while saying it. These non-verbal cues can help you indicate whether someone may be in distress even when they say they are okay. Considering both verbal and non-verbal communication allows you to respond with empathy, understanding, and compassion. In turn, this can help others feel understood and supported by you, thereby deepening your connection with them. Understanding non-verbal cues is also crucial when receiving feedback from others. For instance, observing smiles and head nods from your audience during your presentation is indicative that your work is resonating with them. On the other hand, if you are noticing people are looking distracted, disengaged, or confused, chances are you will need to make improvements for next time. The more you practice observing non-verbal cues, the better your social awareness and self-awareness become.
4. Express empathy and validation
Expressing empathy and validation is crucial for building trust, deepening interpersonal connections, and promoting a sense of belonging. When you empathize with someone or validate their concerns and opinions, you show them that you care. In turn, this helps to create a safe and supportive space, which enables others to disclose to you without fear of being judged. Expressing validation is also important because it helps reaffirm that people’s thoughts and feelings are legitimate and important. Interestingly, it is sometimes more beneficial to validate and empathize with someone’s pain than it is to provide them with advice on how to make it better. While advice-giving and offering solutions can be a valuable communication skill in a variety of instances, it is important to first express which you understand what another person is going through. This helps keep the conversation flowing in an open, honest, and vulnerable manner. On the other hand, jumping to advice-giving or solutions may stunt the conversation, which can lead others to feel unheard or become defensive.
Below are sample statements that convey empathy and validation:
“It makes sense that you feel this way…”
“I see where you’re coming from…”
“You make a great point here…”
5. Be clear and concise
Speaking clearly and concisely conveys confidence and charisma, which in turn encourages others to remain attentive to what you are saying. It helps minimize misunderstandings, ensures your message is easily understood, and respects the listener’s time. Contrarily, repeating yourself over and over or trying to say the same thing in diverse ways can create frustration for others. Clear speech also helps eliminate ambiguity which makes it easier for other people to grasp vital information and respond appropriately. For instance, in a work meeting, delivering a concise update allows your colleagues to quickly understand the status of a project without unnecessary details that may cause confusion or waste time. Similarly, in personal conversations, clear communication helps avoid misinterpretations that could lead to conflicts. Below are tips for practicing clear and concise conversation:
1. Plan:
- Prepare what you want to say.
- Understand the purpose and goal you are trying to achieve with your message.
2. Pause and think before you speak:
- Be reflective and thoughtful with your words.
- Know your audience and adjust your tone and approach accordingly.
3. Avoid jargon and unnecessarily complicated words:
- Prioritize language that can be easily digested and understood by others.
- Using simple language can make you more interesting and captivating.
4. Be direct:
- Lead with essential information and avoid long build-ups to the main point you are trying to make.
5. Minimize filler words:
- Examples can include words such as “like” or “um.”
- Minimizing filler words helps others stay engaged with what you are saying.
6. Embrace feedback
Being an intentional and effective conversationalist involves keeping an open mind to other people’s feedback. Whether you are giving a presentation or expressing your opinion about something, it is important to consider other people’s viewpoints. This allows you to continuously grow, learn, and improve your self-awareness. Nobody is perfect, so there is always room for improvement. If you struggle with accepting feedback from others, consider why that is. For instance, do you tend to perceive feedback as a personal attack? If so, try to shift your mindset by viewing feedback as an opportunity to refine your communication skills rather than as a poor reflection on you. Maintaining a growth mindset towards your setbacks enables you to stay committed to your self-improvement. Additionally, embracing feedback from others conveys that you are empathetic, adaptable, and approachable. In turn, this will help others be more open and comfortable with you.
Marina Daif, RP (Qualifying) #11207 is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) at MyLife Counselling in Guelph. She works with couples and adults through relationships, anxiety, depression, addictions, grief & loss, self-esteem, self-criticism, and self-confidence issues. Learn more about Marina here.