Let Us Talk About Boundaries

What is a boundary?

Simply put, a boundary is a line meant to keep things separate. In the context of relationships and mental health, boundaries help to distinguish us from others in a way that fosters respectful connection with one another, while protecting our emotional and psychological wellbeing. Our boundaries help us outline what our limits are and demonstrate our self-respect.

It is an important distinction to remember boundaries communicate what we will and will not accept in terms of behaviour from others, they are not an attempt to control the behaviour of other individuals in the relationship.

As we go through our lives navigating different relationships, we increase our knowledge and understanding of what our boundaries are. If our experience when growing up is that our boundaries have not been acknowledged or respected by others who hold significant roles in our lives, it can make us question whether we are even allowed to have boundaries. This can influence one’s tendency towards people-pleasing, making it feel that much scarier to set a boundary with someone close to us.

Types of boundaries

There are several different scenarios where we can establish a boundary, and it may feel easier to maintain boundaries in certain areas, or with certain people, compared to others. Common types of boundaries include mental, emotional, physical, and conversational.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where you felt it becoming more of an intense argument because you had different opinions and perspectives? Sometimes we can feel like we need to agree with or change our perspective on a topic because of interactions like this, however, we are allowed to have an opinion that differs from someone else’s, and this would be considered a mental boundary.

Emotional boundaries allow us to determine how emotionally available we are to others. If you have ever felt like there’s a relationship in your life which feels one-sided in terms of support, and you tend to be the one offering support more often, it may be that your emotional boundary has not been established or it is not being respected – intentionally or not. A sign that an emotional boundary in this example may be necessary to establish is if you are feeling consistently drained when with your friend, or your emotional state gets dismissed.

Physical boundaries may seem more apparent to us because it is easier to see where we end up and where someone else begins, compared to the other types of boundaries. Not wanting to be touched, not wanting to hug, or just needing some more personal space between you and someone else are all examples of physical boundaries.

When we say conversational boundaries, this means we want certain topics to be off-limits with certain people; for example, not wanting to discuss your dating life with a parent – or not engaging in a conversation where your friend is gossiping about another friend.

How to set boundaries

You might be asking yourself how you’re supposed to know when to set a boundary or what boundary to set, or how to overcome the uneasiness of it all. It all starts with awareness. How did you feel in the moment, or after you had some time to think about an interaction that occurred? Did you feel confused or conflicted? Frustrated or angry? Are you feeling burnout or experiencing resentment? Did you feel like you and your needs were not taken into consideration? These can be helpful signals to us that a boundary needs to be established to help protect our wellbeing.

Next, we want to determine what exactly our boundary is and how we can communicate that with others. Assertive communication is key here, to ensure you are being clear, direct and respectful; we don’t want to leave room for misinterpretation from others. Examples of clear boundaries can include:

• I’m not available to help you this week, but I have time next weekend
• I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to by myself to recharge, can we talk later?
• I will not continue in this conversation if you keep speaking over me

It’s not uncommon for others to not immediately respect your boundary, and possibly even become defensive – don’t let this discourage you! Like I said before, boundaries are not intended to control others’ behaviour, they are for the protection and promotion of your wellbeing. The more we practice establishing and maintaining our boundaries, the more confidence we feel to not take on responsibility for others’ emotions.

Takeaways

• Boundaries are not selfish.
• We are all allowed to establish our boundaries.
• Boundaries promote our emotional and mental wellbeing.
• It is not our responsibility to manage someone’s reaction to our boundary.