Hard Conversations, Loving Connections: Helping Children Understand Family Change

Are you in a place where you do not know how to begin discussing family change with your child/children? Are you feeling nervous or experiencing difficult emotions while trying to figure out how to approach this discussion? After reading this blog, my hope is that you can take away tips and tools for navigating conversations with your children around family change, while continuing to maintain and foster a loving connection.

Family changes like separation or divorce can be hard to talk about, especially when emotions are mixed or overwhelming. These experiences are often stressful for both caregivers and children, but the conversations matter. There are supportive ways to help children navigate the transition.

Entertaining and Engaging in Conversation around Family Change

As family changes occur, it is important to have a conversation with your children. An important piece where possible is to invite all children and both spouses to the space for this conversation, despite any challenges or difficulty this may present. It’s important to give children a simple, honest explanation about the separation or divorce, and to reassure them that it is not their fault. As parental figures, it is important for you to prepare yourselves for raw and differing emotions from your children and ensure you are validating and providing space for them to share and talk about their feelings. Some statements you can consider while moving into this discussion could be, and are not limited to: “Tell me more about that,” “You can tell me anything and I will not get upset no matter what,” “I am here for you, “any and all feelings that you’re experiencing are completely okay, and we’re here to talk about them if/ when you’re ready.” In addition to forming an open, accepting, and supportive space for your child to process this change, it is important to provide ongoing reminders that you love them and reassure them that because spouses fell out of love, it does not mean that you (as the parent) will stop loving your children.

Navigating the Journey of Parent Separation and Divorce

Family changes, such as separation and divorce, may result in different responses and behaviours from children. These discussions can be stressful, and each child may manage the news differently from things like shutting down or crying, to yelling or slamming doors. It is important to be aware and supportive, while not punishing children for immature or unfavourable responses. It can be helpful to view these responses as an invitation from your child for extra comfort, support, and affection, as your child is processing this significant life change.

Family change can have a ripple effect of natural change in a child’s life. As you are walking through this journey, it is important as parents to be mindful of the following:

1.  Limit additional changes in your child’s life – whether this may be the school they attend or extracurricular activities.
2. Set up a regular visitation schedule – this can provide more security for your child, as they are able to be aware and prepared for how long the visitation is.
3. Schedule contact with your child – if you are further away from your child, it is important that you let your child know you love and care about them by setting up points of contact (ex: phone calls, emails, video chats) with your child.
4. Maintain consistent rules and routines between households – this is a tip I often really emphasize and encourage. Maintaining this tip can allow for children to have consistency among parenting and expectations from parents, which can help limit the impacts of such a momentous change. Parents can monitor this by creating an agreed upon list of rules and routines. For example, this may include which TV shows they can watch, their bedtime and routines, assigned chores, and other household expectations.
5. Spend special time with your child – your child has experienced a big life transition, and they need your one-to-one undisrupted time and support, whether it is for a 15-minute check in, or longer where possible.

*I emphasize the fourth tip, as consistency with rules and routines allows for your child to know you are united as parents, and it can foster safety and security during a time that can otherwise feel unpredictable.

As I have listed recommendations, or “DO’s,” it is also important to review well-encouraged “DON’T’s”:

1. Do not feel you need to overcompensate with providing special toys, treats, or outings at each point of connection.
2.  Do not argue or fight with your ex-spouse while the child is around or may be listening.
3. Do not criticise your ex-spouse in front of your child – remember your ex-spouse is your child’s parent!
4. Do not put your child in the middle or have them choose sides – children want both parents to be happy!
5. Do not try to get revenge on your ex-spouse by cancelling or declining visitation – this will only hurt your child!

To Conclude

Please remember it is also important to take care of yourself during this transition! You too are experiencing a big life change, and the more you effectively take care of yourself, the better you can care for your child. A tip: Create a list of people you can go to for support, this might include those you can vent to, those who can provide additional help where needed (e.g. help with childcare, appointments, child’s extracurriculars, etc), those who can provide a calming distraction, or those who can provide advice and guidance… These people are your support network and are valuable in your own self-care while navigating change.

Should you find your child struggling ongoing, it may be important to take a step and reach out for additional support to provide them with a neutral space to process this life change. Please feel free to reach out to me for therapy sessions to do exactly this; I would be glad to support your child through this life changing journey!

Blog post content inspired and derived from Liana Lowenstein, Creative Interventions for Children of Divorce Workbook