Supporting Your Queer Teen: Why it is Important and How to Do It

Jessica del Rosso, Registered Social Worker #834108 is a Registered Social Worker at MyLife Counselling in Guelph. She works with adults and youth to support them with ADHD, Autism, Trauma, Self-Harm, Eco Anxiety. Learn more about Jessi here.

Supporting Your Queer Teen: Why it is Important and How to Do It

So, your teen has come out to you as trans, bisexual, pansexual, gay or another queer identity and you are wondering how to support them. The good news is you have already completed the first step. You are seeking resources and learning.

Some caregivers experience anxiety when their teen comes out to them. Some caregivers may not understand what a “coming out” process is. Some caregivers may experience an internal battle over conflicting morals if they come from a religious background or culture in which LGTBQ+ identities are met with violence or political prosecution. Other times, not knowing how to respond when your teen comes out may be due to not understanding why it is such a “big deal.” “Haven’t things gotten better for queer kids”? may be a thought that crosses your mind. Or your teens are closed at school and struggling with self-harm, depression, anxiety or other mental health challenges and you are unsure of how to help, while wanting to respect their privacy and confidentiality.

The Facts About Being a Queer Teen in Canada and Ontario

The bottom line is that the coming out process for kids and teens is still a complicated one. In 2019, the Canadian Youth Health Survey found that over 20% of Canadian youth identify as LGTBQ+. Mental health among today’s youth is a major discussion point as we have seen a steady decrease in youth mental health over the years, exacerbated by the Covid -19 pandemic. Queer youth are at higher risk of mental health struggles than their non-queer peers. A study quoted by the Canadian Youth Health Survey found that 70% of queer youth struggled with their mental health in comparison to 54% of their heterosexual peers. This risk is even greater among trans youth.

Despite the progress made in Canada regarding queer rights and education, there is a rise in LGTBQ hate crimes. Queer youth are still more likely to experience bullying by their peers. Stats Canada released a report in 2024, stating that since 2021, there has been a 69% increase in hate motivated crimes towards individuals 15 years and up, who identify as part of the LGTBQ+ community. become homeless experience suicidal ideation or attempt suicide. In the United States, conversion therapy is still legal in several states. Many caregivers may be unaware that conversion therapy in Canada, was only made illegal in 2022! Between 2023-2024, 554 anti-trans bills have been proposed, with majority of the states in the US putting outright bans on trans youth health care. We are now seeing a rise in anti-trans and queer legislation being proposed in Canada, with the upcoming 2025 election. Three provinces in Canada make it mandatory for schools to require consent from parents to use a youth’s chosen name at school, placing many trans and queer kids at risk. In Ontario, there have been consistent protests queer sex education in schools and the Ontario government has implemented funding changes which have led to even longer waitlists for gender affirming care and surgeries.

How Do I Help My Teen?

It is grim out there for LGTBQ+ identified teens. So, what do we know helps? How can you support your teen? The Canadian Mental Health Association summarized identified key factors for positive mental health and wellbeing for LGBTQ individuals, which include:

Support from family and friends, particularly for youth
Supportive workplaces and neighbourhoods
Low levels of internalized homophobia (homophobia adopted by the LGBT person themself), which can be fostered and supported through identification or community building with other LGBT individuals.
Experiencing positive responses to coming out
Addressing the social determinants of health

Supporting your teen can start with the simple question, “How can I support you?” Or “What do you need from me?” When your teen comes to you about their sexual orientation, it is important to make your repose about them, not you. Focus on what they need from you as the trusted adult they have come to with vulnerable information about themselves.

You may need time to process the information but do so with your own support. It is important not to process in front of your teens. They need you to be calm and grounded for them in a moment which feels overwhelming and scary for them. Provide them with any reassurance they need, confirm that they are loved for who they are. Ask them if there are ways you can demonstrate your unconditional acceptance of them.

Your child needs to come before religion, neighbours, friends, and family who may disapprove of their LGTBQ+ identity. They need you to be the person who will stand by them, because there is a lot of fighting, they will need to do to be the person they are. However, you also must never use this as reasoning for them to stay closeted. I have heard well-meaning parents telling their youth that they are worried about their safety and for that reason, the teen should be in the closet. It is okay to voice this concern to your own therapist or loved ones, but your teens need to know you will stand with them outside of the closet – where they deserve to be.

Talking openly about mental health with your teens helps reduce stigma and shame. Educating yourself about LGTBQ youth mental health and signs of mental health struggle will help with resource building your own toolbox and knowledge. A simple google of “LGTBQ youth parent supports and resources,” will bring up several starting points to helpful information.

Finding an openly queer identified therapist for your teen is a foundational addition to your circle of support. It may take a few tries to find the right folk for your youth to bond with, do not let that discourage you. Finding the right therapist can provide relief for you as the parent, knowing someone else with expertise is supporting your youth alongside you. It can also provide relief for your youth, knowing they have a space just for them to process the complexities of queer identity.

Supporting your queer teen, starts with your response and demonstrations of unconditional love and acceptance of who they are. There is no one way to walk the journey of supporting your queer youth. However, with the openness of learning, understanding their experience and realizing when it is time to bring extra support, you are off to a good start.

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