Addressing Helpful & Harmful Communication Patterns: The 4 Horsemen & Their Antidotes

Communication is the foundation of all relationships, whether personal or professional. When communication breaks down, it takes down the relationship with it. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationships expert, discusses four toxic communication patterns that often lead to the eroding of relationships. He coined these communication patterns as the “Four Horsemen” to emphasize just how destructive they can be. These “Four Horsemen” are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

1. Criticism

You may have heard of constructive criticism, which involves providing useful feedback to others to help them improve on something. However, criticism becomes destructive when it involves attacking someone’s character or personality, which is the type of criticism warned by Dr. Gottman. Instead of expressing frustrations or concerns in a constructive manner, this horseman involves over-generalizations and verbal assaults, leaving the other person feeling disrespected and insulted. An example could be saying something like “You are so lazy and useless.”

Engaging in this type of criticism has the power to destroy connection, trust, and intimacy in relationships. Criticism escalates conflicts and increases frustration and resentment between the individuals involved. Over time, persistent criticism can create a dynamic where one person constantly feels judged or inadequate, which undermines the emotional safety and connectedness which is crucial for healthy relationships.

The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up

In his research, Dr. Gottman found the first three minutes of a conflict discussion, set the tone for the remainder of the discussion. Bringing up concerns in a gentle way allows for the conversation to flow more smoothly whereas initiating a conflict discussion with criticism is likely to lead to an escalation. Gentle start-up involves expressing concerns, needs, and feelings in a way that focuses on the issue at hand without blaming or finger-pointing. It involves utilizing “I statement” and avoiding “you statements” to foster a more collaborative and constructive discussion. In turn, this can allow each person to feel respected, heard, and understood.

Example: Instead of saying, “You never support me or care about my needs,” try saying, “I feel alone when I am not being supported and would appreciate more responsiveness towards my needs.”

2. Defensiveness

Defensive behavior involves victimizing oneself, not taking accountability for personal wrongdoings, making excuses, shifting the blame, and a lack of empathy towards the other person’s viewpoint. Defensiveness is often used as a self-protective mechanism, especially in response to criticism. In turn, it can feed into more criticism, which creates a negative feedback cycle in communication and prevents successful problem-solving. Defensiveness also makes it difficult to come to a compromise because it can shut down a conversation prematurely, leaving the person with the concerns feeling invalidated and dismissed.

The Antidote: Taking Responsibility

Successful, healthy, and secure relationships involve accountability from all parties involved. This includes active listening, apologizing when necessary, admitting to wrongdoings, and showing empathy and understanding towards the other person.

Example: Instead of making excuses, try saying something like “You’re right, I should have been more careful about this, and I am really sorry.”

Taking responsibility is not about invalidating yourself or blaming yourself for everything. It is about building self-awareness around your behaviours and giving yourself an opportunity to reflect and grow from your mistakes. Moreover, there is a difference between accountability and self-blame in the sense that accountability involves having a more constructive attitude towards your contributions to issues while self-blame is often associated with giving up in frustration or defeat. Open and honest communication can allow you and the other person/people involved to feel heard and understood, which helps foster positive change for everyone.

3. Contempt

Dr. Gottman describes contempt as being the most dangerous of the “Four Horsemen” because it not only involves criticism of the other person, but it also reflects disdain, disrespect, and superiority. Communication involving contempt usually includes sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolling, and other similar behaviours. This conveys the message to the other person that they are unworthy and inferior. Over time, contempt destroys emotional safety in a relationship and increases hostility and disconnect.

Examples of contemptuous communication:

• Sarcastic remarks, such as, “Oh great, you messed that up again? You are just so intelligent, aren’t you?”
• Name-calling or insults, such as, “You’re so stupid, how did you even come up with that?”
• Belittling, such as, “Maybe if you weren’t so useless, we wouldn’t have been in this situation.”

 The Antidote: Expressing Appreciation

Replacing contemptuous communication with fondness, admiration, and/or appreciation helps to foster a more respectful and fulfilling relationship dynamic. Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude promotes a positive perspective towards the other person and helps you shift your focus towards what is going right. This helps to improve your connection and communication with the other person, even during challenging times. It is also important to remember that being in a position of authority, such as in a professional setting, does not mean it is okay to belittle those below you in the professional ladder. Regardless of your status, contemptuous communication does not do your interpersonal connections any favours. This does not mean you should not address conflicts or mistakes, but it is important to do so in a respectful and constructive manner. When you build others up, your relationships thrive, and you increase your chances of success.

Example: Try to thank your partner, friend, or co-worker for their efforts, no matter how small: “I really appreciate how much you’ve helped me with this task,” or “Thank you for tidying up the house despite your busy schedule.”

4. Stonewalling

The Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing

Dr. Gottman discusses the concept of emotional flooding, which can occur when discussions become heated. Even people who excel in constructive communication can become emotionally flooded, especially when conversations become gridlocked or turn into debates. This is when people stop hearing each other and instead try to explain themselves or prove their point.

Emotional flooding involves feeling annoyed, angry, or overwhelmed during a conversation. You might notice your heart rate starting to elevate or your face starting to heat up. If you feel yourself starting to become emotionally flooded, it is okay to take a break. In fact, sometimes it is more beneficial for everybody to pause a conversation before it turns into a fight. However, before walking away to cool off and self-soothe, it is important to communicate that you need to take time for yourself.

Example: Instead of ignoring the other person or storming off in frustration, try saying something like, “I am starting to feel myself getting overwhelmed here, which is making it difficult for me to hear what you have to say right now. I need to take a break and would like to revisit this conversation later.”

Communicating when you are starting to become upset and need a time-out is key to effective dialoguing and it helps prevent issues from escalating. It also conveys respect towards the other person because you are not dismissing them or leaving them in the dark. It is important to agree to revisit the conversation later and not allow the issue to be swept under the rug. You also do not want to leave an issue unaddressed for too long. A day or two might be reasonable but allowing a month to go by can do more harm than good.

Self-soothing involves engaging in any activity that helps bring you relaxation or joy. It is crucial not to sit and stew about the issue as that will only feed into frustration and resentment. The point of self-soothing is to find a healthy distraction until you feel calm enough to revisit the conversation. Practicing emotion-regulation strategies can also help increase your capacity for conflict discussions so that you do not find yourself getting flooded any time a conversation becomes difficult or uncomfortable. Remember conflict is a necessary and healthy part of any relationship, but it depends on how it is approached.